The Most Evil Mind of Lysander Scamander
by and it feels like finally
Summary: Welcome, my apprentices, to my grand evil lair, where I assume I have graciously invited you to read this book.   My name is Lysander Scamander, and welcome to my most evil mind...
1. My Most Evil Mind

_**A/N- Hello, hope you enjoy the story, I don't own Harry Potter, and please review! (I'll give you metaphorical chocolate!) =) x **_

Chapter 1 – My Most Evil Mind

Welcome, my apprentices, to my grand evil lair, where I assume I have graciously invited you to read this book (and if that is not the case, you're more evil than I thought). Just to clarify, so as to avoid any confusion, this book is, under no circumstances, a diary. More of an… intellectual learning device, to assist those in their journey to become an evil genius. Anyway, this learning device will consist of both practical advice to achieve evil leadership, and an exclusive look into the inner workings of the best and most accomplished evil mind there is - mine.

Before this story commences, I think it would benefit everyone if they knew a little more about me, some background information. I'm 15 years old, and just about to start my 5th year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It's no Pigfarts, but for now it will suffice. Also, I'm in Ravenclaw. I know, atrocious, isn't it? Sorty must be going insane, because what normal talking old hat would even attempt to put Lysander Scamander, evil genius extraordinaire, into Ravenclaw? Slytherin, in my opinion, is far superior. Why be a simple nerd when one can be an evil nerd? Everyone's going mad these days: especially Scorpius Malfoy.

It is most upsetting, you see, when someone doesn't make the most of what they have. Like when someone only eats half of their chocolate brownie, and throws it away; they should, however, give it to someone in desperate need for it, such as hungry little Lysander at the Ravenclaw table. Or when someone ignores his amazing girlfriend for three whole weeks merely because she went to quidditch practise instead of prancing off to Hogsmeade with him. Or (and this one particularly annoys me) when someone's family are death eaters, giving this someone an easy path into evil geniusness, but instead they decide to sit at the Slytherin table (but he really doesn't deserve Slytherinship), talking to Albus freaking Potter about inter-house unity, happiness for all, or some other pointless shit involving peace and joy. And all this time poor Lysander is stuck with petty Ravenclaws, having to act all nice and friendly because it is incredibly difficult to just start evilly plotting in the middle of the great hall when your mum is a bloody war hero.

In case you couldn't tell (and if you are that stupid, I sincerely doubt you should be reading this book, leave now, you are not welcome here), that someone I kept mentioning is Scorpius Malfoy, a person I hate with every bone in my body. Why? 'Cause he's going out with Rose Weasley. And guess what? I like her. But she picked Malfoy. If you had to choose between Mr. Perfect, 'lets all be happy!', and an evil psychopath, who would you choose? I know, I thought the psychopath too. She must have mental issues, and I have consequently come to the conclusion that she is unworthy of me. I still like her though.

Now I know you're all thinking (I'm an accomplished legilimens, for your information) that I can't be a true evil genius if I like someone. Evil geniuses aren't supposed to like people; the whole point of Voldemort was that he couldn't love. Well that just proves that I am far superior to everyone else, including (and especially) you.

Before you ask, I don't give a Dobby's sock about blood status. I would happily eat a mudblood for breakfast, just as happily as I would eat a pureblood (but I'd have to add extra sugar). Doesn't that just show what a lovely person I am? Besides, all that blood status rubbish was so last wizarding war: keep up with the times people, or I can guarantee you won't succeed.

At school, I excel. I can ensure that by the end of the year I will have 11 outstanding O.W.L.s. All the teachers simply adore me, well, those with any sense do. McGonagall even made me a prefect this year: I see she has finally come to her senses, and finally realises what a wonderful and caring person I am. Either that or she realised that the only other choices were Jeremy Corner, who, for some absurd reason, seems to believe that he's a mermaid, or Lorcan, my twin brother. Oddly, people think that I'm the strange one, even when Lorcan's prattling on about barglies, shrackburts, and jiggery-horned whatsibacks. I think that when we were younger, mum dropped him on his head into a boiling vat of essence of insanity, then used him for quidditch practice. When he got to big to be the quaffle, he was a beaters bat. And my peers seem to think I have a too vivid imagination. I sometimes wonder where they got that idea from, to be honest.

Chocolate. That's what I'm thinking about right now. How I really want a massive bar of Honeydukes chocolate. Because all evil geniuses require chocolate to properly function. So I decided to express my extreme love for chocolate by giving it its own sentence. How lucky.

My name is Lysander Scamander, and welcome to my most evil mind…


	2. The Essence of an Evil Plan

**_A/N - So So So Sorry for the long wait, My computer broke and then I couldnt use it because of a virus which took my dad ages to fix and then deleted all my files and programs, so I had to re-write this chapter on notepad (which has no spell/grammar check or font formatting) and as a result of that and general procrastination, I havent updated in AGES. Thanks to Shooting Starkid for Beta'ing, and to Gloo1997, The Argyle Sweater Effect, Shooting Starkid, and Woodrow Rynne for reviewing! By the way, Mea is kinda pronounced meh according to the wonderful PrincessMoony, who found the name on the internet for me. Sorry for the long authors note and wait between chapters, please review! =) x_**

Chapter 2 - The Essence of an Evil Plan

My oh my, progressed to the next chapter have we? Why aren't you a clever bunch of little evil geniuses! I am satisfied with your progress young ones, I applaud you.

But of course! You want to hear more about me dont you? People say patience is a virtue, but I offer my sincerest apologies for depriving you of my wonderful presence for so long; I honestly don't know how you survived.

Today I am going to teach you about evil planning, an aspect at which all evil geniuses thrive. To achieve true evil geniusness, you must have the ability to construct a well thought out and complex evil plan, often under pressure and/or a time limit. You must ensure you are well equipped and that even the most intricate of details shall run smoothly.

Any type of well-formulated, sucessful plan will do wondrous things for your reputation, young ones, and our motto here at Lysander Scamander's Association for Budding EVil Geniuses is that absolutely no plan whatsoever can be too elaborate. Remember though, to keep it real. Kidnapping the Minister for Magic's favourite pet snorkacks and training them to eat his face off in the dead of night? Wonderful. Making a galaxy traversing rocketship with enough fuel to get you to Mars, so you can venture to Pigfarts and disturb Rumbleroar's slumbering cubs? Perfect. Splitting your soul into 8 pieces and hiding them in historically important inanimate objects/living things in an attempt at immortality with a goal to rid the world of all muggleborns, therefore almost everyone in sight, gaining no trust or sympathy from any remaining beings, resulting in a large number of epic failures when battling a teenage wizard? Too far. Much too far. And that, my friends, is why Voldemort ended up as such a fail.

The first step we must take is to define your morals and reasoning for the evil plan. To organise and structure your mind is a necessary action we must take, and knowing why exactly this evil plan is taking place will prove to be immensely helpful. Just one piece of advice: before you start producing random evil plans for no particular reason whatsoever, you must build up a reputation, or some may think you are rather strange. For example, if Lorcan, my brother, started going around Hogwarts and acting evilly, a likely reaction would be along the lines of:  
>"Why in the name of Merlin is Lorcan being all randomly evil all of a sudden? I don't want Hogwarts to have a creepy spontaneous evil dude prancing around. This sucks royal hippogriff!"<br>If I, however, decided to just evilly inflict pain upon people for the fun of it (which occurs frequently), people would just be like:  
>"Look! There's the totally awesome Lysander Scamander being amazingly evil again! Yay! Don't you think he is just so supermegafoxyawesomehot?"<br>See the difference, young ones?

For the evil plan I shall carry out later, the morals are simple: to instruct and assist those less gifted than I.

Next on the agenda is selecting a victim. This act of singing out an individual can take much thought and effort, due to the outcome often having great effect upon the both the finer details of the plan, and the general outcome. To ensure greatness is achieved, these victims must be important enough to affect as many people as possible, and also must be stupid enough to fall for whatever trick you may play upon them. It may seem a little surprising, but there are plenty of people like this in the ministry. Despite this being a general rule for evil geniuses, for the purposes of this demonstration, our victim will be highly insignificant, and rather dim. Cathy Wolf.

I make it a priority to know the names, identities, and personal information of every person at Hogwarts. Not the really secret things (although I could easily find them out), I don't want people be under the impression that Lysander Scamander, the most brilliant sutdent ever to grace the halls of Hogwarts, is some sort of demented stalker. Anyway, this makes it easy to figure out who is in dire need of an evil act upon them, and gives me a greater idea of what might bother them the most.

Cathy Wolf is a Hufflepuff, and a bit of a loner: the only friend she has is Mea Higgs - who everybody knows is in love with me. Being a true Hufflepuff (or so she says, it is one of my many goals in life to find out the real meaning of a true Hufflepuff),  
>Cathy loves her friend very much, and would do anything for her. Therefore, if I can gain control over Mea, Cathy will have made herself an even easier target. What fun!<p>

* * *

><p>Upon the Hogwarts noticeboard:<p>

_STUDENTS OF HOGWARTS, AN INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT MATTER MUST BE BROUGHT TO YOUR ATTENTION: I, LYSANDER SCAMANDER, AM IN GREAT NEED OF AN EVIL ASSISTANT!_

_THIS ASSISTANT WILL BE REQUIRED TO:_  
><em>NOT INTERFERE WITH ANY EVIL PLANNING LYSANDER WISHES TO REMAIN SECRET,<br>MAKE EXCEPTIONAL HOT CHOCOLATE,  
>TAPE WIZARDS OF WAVERLY PLACE FOR ME - WITHOUT FAIL,<br>BE TOTALLY AWESOME!_

SIGN UP BELOW TO BE CONSIDERED

I got many responses: the Goyle sisters, Jeremy Corner, some freak named Amington, Kreaky the house elf, but none of the entries really appealed to me. The only reason I wanted an evil assistant was so I could select Mea, and then the entire of Hufflepuff house will be under my command, so I can discover what the hell a Hufflepuff is. I wanted to select Mea because I was sure she would apply: she is allegedly in love with me, after all. Unfortunately for Mea, I only have eyes for Rose, even if she is going out with Malfoy. But I still didn't count on the fact that Mea, a mere Hufflepuff, would reject me like that.

Overwhelmed with depression, I retreated to my lousy Ravenclaw dormitory. Oh what a hard life it is for an evil genius.


	3. In Which I Obtain a Hat

_**A/N – Hi! Sorry about the long wait (again), my computer completely died and I can't update on my iPod, so I am using my sister's (NellyNells123) netbook (thanks Erin!) to update. Thanks so much to: Gloo1997, Shooting-Starkid, 33Lebasi33, Imperatrix Nyx, PrincessPomPom, SalvagedAnotherHeart, The Argyle Sweater Effect, and NellyNells123 for reviewing! I don't own Harry Potter, enjoy the chapter (it's not very good, sorry!), and please review! =) x **_

Chapter 3 – In Which I Obtain a Hat

Why hello there my young apprentices, what a pleasure it is for you to join me again! Why the optimistic mood change, may you ask? Well, when I went down to the entrance hall this morning to remove my request from the noticeboard, I noticed an additional name at the bottom of the list: Mea's!

Overjoyed by this wondrous occurrence, I pinned a piece of spare parchment on top of my previous notice, and hastily scribbled a note:

_Lysander Scamander, Evil Genius Extraordinaire, is delighted to announce that, after much deliberation, the prestigious position of my evil assistant has gone to Mea. Kindly meet me in the room of requirement at 5:30pm tonight for a consultation about your new employment._

* * *

><p>As Mea stumbled into my grand evil lair (the room of requirement), I checked my multi-functioning watch: it was 5:30 exactly.<p>

"Hm. Punctual." I observed, wondering how exactly to pronounce her name, due to the fact her mind is so jumbled up that when I perform legilimency upon her, I can never seem to find anything of use: it seems I'm not a Hufflepuff for a reason. Reaching the conclusion that I should simply ask her about the pronunciation, but being reluctant to ask advice from an inferior being, I decided to be professional about it.

"As a result of you putting your name down upon the publicly-readable Hogwarts noticeboard, there has been much speculation as to how to pronounce it. All day, I have been hearing many inexperienced children call you a multitude of different things, and, for their benefit, I would like to clear it up. How do you pronounce your name? Is it like 'Mia', or 'me'?" Bravo Lysander, only someone as amazing as you could have blamed this on the general population of Hogwarts.

"Actually, it's pronounced meh."

"Meh?" Now this is a turn of events, what an odd name.

"Yes, meh" She sounds a little upset, but she surely isn't clever enough to figure out that I didn't know how to pronounce her name, is she? And above all, why do I care? I have much bigger things to worry about.

"It's used in the same context as hmph, Lysander."

"Hmph? I prefer meh. At least meh has a vowel in it." Wait, did she just call me Lysander? What cruel disrespectful notion is this? "And, now that you are under my control, you must address me as 'Evil Genius Extraordinaire', or possibly 'Almighty Leader Supreme', if neither of them work for you, I require 'O Great One' at least. Do you understand?"

Mea simply nods in reply. She looks rather intimidated, what fun! How I love my evil awesomeness.

"Now, I require secret tunnel to be built between my dormitory, the Hufflepuff common room, and here, so that you can bring me anything I want easily. Although I do understand that your magical abilities will never even compare to those of mine, this must be built, and undetectable, by Sunday afternoon. As it is Friday today, you have more than enough time to complete this. Farewell… Mea. You are dismissed."

And so Mea left the room of requirement, leaving me to wonder what I shall make her do next.

* * *

><p>After two weeks of having an assistant, I had become accustomed to breakfasts in bed, followed by a large cup of delicious hot chocolate, courtesy of Mea and the Hogwarts House Elves. Therefore, it came as a surprise when, one morning, she arrived with a gift-wrapped box sporting a large bow.<p>

"What is the meaning of this?" I exclaimed, in desperate need of my hot chocolate.

"The meaning of what, O Great Almighty Evil Master?" inquired Mea, looking as confused as ever.

"Where in the name of merlin is my hot chocolate?" Mea flinched at the volume of my voice, and began to comprehend what I was saying.

"Well, I was busy sorting out your present, Leader Supreme, I didn't have time."

"My present, why would I require a present? I know I am superior to everyone else, but does this really deserve a present? Hmm.. I should demand a present from everyone, due to the sheer amazingness of Lysander Scaman-"

"Not wanting to be rude or anything, Genius Extraordinaire, but I didn't get you a present because of your amazingness, I mean, you are amazing, of course, but I got you a present because today's your _birthday_"

Oh dear. She has a LOT to learn.

"My birthday? Who indeed do you think I am? I am far above the mere concept of a 'birthday', Mea: every day is Lysander day!" Every day is Lysander day? Hmm. That's a good slogan I could use for my 'Lysander Scamander: Evil Genius Extraordinaire' merchandise I am hoping to make available for purchase once I come of age.

"I just thought it would be nice, O Wondrous One,"

I had better explain. This is harder than I thought. "When I was eight, I established that 'birthdays' were far too happy to be of any use in this world, so, I stopped. No more birthdays for Lysander. And I intend to keep it that way. However, you have a present for me, and, needless to say, Lysander likes presents. Therefore, I shall be lenient, and accept your gracious gift."

"Thank you, Great Evil Lysander"

"Tata for now, Mea!"

Mea scurried off down the tunnel towards the Hufflepuff common rooms, and I was sat with a rather large box. When I unwrapped and opened it, the first thing I saw was a note written in Mea's neat round handwriting.

_O Great Almighty Evil Genius Leader Supreme, Happy Birthday! Here is your present, it's not much, but I charmed it myself, and I hope you like it! By the way, upon the unlikely chance you do not know what it is, after opening it, of course,_

Opening it, now what a great idea! I look inside, with great anticipation, and find.. A top hat?

_I shall tell you. It is a hat, which, undoubtedly, you have realised. However, this hat will, once placed upon your head, change colour to co-ordinate with whatever clothes you are wearing, and will change form to suit your mood/upon request. For example: when feeling important and wearing a red belt, it will take the form of a red top hat. If it's cold, it may turn into a woollen bobble hat, or if it's raining, it will take the shape of an umbrella hat. Again, I hope you like it, and even if I do say so myself, it is a really great hat!_

_Lots of love and evil vibes,_

_Mea x_

Wow, I've never had a hat before, oh this shall be such fun whilst evil planning! Speaking of which, I'd better be getting to my lair to work on my newest plot.

And so, after two weeks of being in her presence, I have come to the conclusion that Mea is, in fact, totally awesome, for giving me a really great hat.


End file.
